Thursday 2.18 PM

Feeling pissy today. Not really at anyone or anything in particular. Probably just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Feeling lethargic and achy all over.

Just wanna get the work day over and done with, go home and get some good, proper hours of Diablo. Haven't been able to play as much as I like since Monday. Just a couple half hours here and there, and it's making me feel imbalanced. Now if this is not withdrawal, I don't know what is.

TONIGHT! THERE SHALL BE DIABLO 3. At least three solid hours of it.

What We Have

Had a discussion with my friends a couple of weeks ago regarding our personal achievements in life, and we all pretty much came to the same realisation. In the grand scheme of  life, all of us were pretty much average achievers.

The usual house, car, BABIES aside, which I think are already pretty amazing feats that most of my friends managed to achieve considering the fact that we were all silly kids with bad haircuts when we first met, none of us seemed to be able to think of anything in particular that have changed the world or inspired anyone in anyway.

But, there is nothing wrong with that, is there? The key point here is not what we have done to make the world a better place for others. Rather the important thing here is whether we are happy, or even proud, of where we are in our current place.

And after mulling over, I decided that I am, I really am. I may not be the happiest of people, but at least I am OK with the personal achievements, or so-called, that I have somehow managed to accumulate in the past almost 30 years of my life. Which I can tell you right now, is really not so bad. There are much, much worst places to be than just OK. Sometimes, just OK is definitely just fine.

I am becoming more and more convinced that the big 30 will not be as scary as I had always believed. That crazy unknown age that all girls in their 20s somehow fear, even a little, as they trudge slowly, but surely, towards. It may just be the glorious years that I have always been looking for.

Bevolved

The greater the adversity, the stronger the determined will be.

One should always view challenges as a mountain that can eventually be conquered given patience, and the willingness to try and learn from your mistakes.

No try, no learn.

Angry Birds

I really don't get it sometimes. Why are some people just so surly and annoyed all the time. Even though no one has done anything whatsoever to so much as piss that person off in any way.

Day in and out, frown, frown, and frown. Why so angry?

You don't have to be friendly to any stranger in the streets, but I am sure you can afford to be a little bit nicer to the people you see on a daily basis.

Even an innately angry person like me will always try to look at least expressionless whenever someone looks my way, so that I don't convey any kind of unpleasantness. Or at least I am trying to. I get frustration. But all the time frustrated? Why so?

Hmmm...

Amitabha

The purpose of my every day has become a sole objective to cultivate my patience, tolerance and my humility.

After all, the ultimate goal of my life is to preserve my sense of self, integrity and clarity of mind. And hopefully at the end of everything, of my life, I can say I have lived in truth.

True enlightenment is still light years away.

Tipping Over

I seem to be in some kind of internal turmoil in the past couple of days.

Certain things that I know shouldn't be bothering me is eating away at me. So I am alternating between moments of depressing over it and not giving a shit about it.

I feel like the smart, grown-up part of me is telling the fearful, self-conscious child part that never really left but simply got hidden away that everything will be fine, that whatever it is that is troubling me will not even have the tiniest importance in time to come.

If there is anything to be certain about, it will always be the consistency of change in life. There will always be people who takes pleasure in making others feel like they are worthless, but only you can decide if you truly are.

But still...

No one can be bright and cheery all the time. I get demoralised and feel beaten down too. If only people will just realise, I am really not doing so good right now. I really have no room for any one else's problems that really are just pitiful complaints that aren't really problems.

Times like these, all I want to do is to crawl up some faraway mountain and become a nun. Sounds like an excellent idea, doesn't it?

A Few Things We Got Here

Having a bout of myalgia in my neck since last week, which hasn't fully recover at the moment. Haha, myalgia. A fancy medical term for what we cheenapoks call 扭到. Basically twisted a muscle or something somewhere, which in my case is le cou sauvage (ohh I can almost feel the French people just vomiting at my horrendous usage of their beautiful language).

Am really feeling the ravages of age. I don't used to suffer from these ailments for so long. Now it's been more than a week, and I still cannot move my neck freely without wincing. Bleh. And yes, I am allowed to call myself cheenapok because I am indeed a cheenapok. And no, no one else is allowed to call me cheenapok even if you are a cheenapok. The world is unfair like that.

So anyhoo, during my time of sabbatical (3 days mc), I decided to catch up on my Doctor Who episodes. Never really completed Series 3 with Tenth Doc, David Tennant, so I did it and currently moving onward with Series 4.

Love Doctor Who. There is a belief that once you got into the Doctor Who universe, you can never fully get out of it. It is so true for me. Some of my friends consider Doctor Who a low-budget TV series with predictable plots. But I think that is the formula for the wonderfulness that is Doctor Who.

It reminds me of simpler times, where a mixture of good plus cheesy acting, a sprinkling of fake as hell props, some expected good-triumph-evil ending is exactly what you need on a lazy afternoon, trying to take your mind off the pain in le cou sauvage. And predictability is not always bad. It can be enjoyable and also make the episodes with the cleverer plots and unexpected endings so much more precious.

Oh, and I watched Titanic 3D yesterday with my 20 year old Small Friend, whose first comment when the movie ended was "I never realised that Jack was so hot." After which she flat refuse to believe that he was the same actor in Inception. Hahah! Not sure to feel sad or glad for good ol' Leo.

Still loving him as Jack. Jack is simply such a wonderful character, ain't he? His love for Rose was so deep and so selfless. Good Leo for being able to bring this character to life. He has become somewhat a "serious movies only" actor with all those intense roles that he is doing nowadays, but people of my era will probably never forget him as Jack Dawson.

Titanic, Titanic. After so many years, the movie still manages to move me in such a fundamental way. Especially the musicians, the musicians always gets to me. I cry every time I see them playing to the last.

Titanic after 100 years, but never forgotten.

Z_Z

Having a headache. Wish I can go home and zzzz, but I am afraid that will not provide any form of joy for me.

Gone is my old queen-sized bed and in its place, a single FLAT mattress which might as well have been the floor.

Sigh.

Must have patience. Improvements will come soon.

Thank You

You...
Create laughter, in sorrow.
Invoke inspiration, in hopelessness.
Effect calmness, in anxiety.
Compel courage, in fear.
Bring light, in gloom.

For as long as it will last,
You give me peace.
-- Hensen Moer

Blah Blah

Oh dear is it April already? What happened to January, February and March?

Kinda feels like the past few months passed by in some sort of a unproductive whirl. I don't even recall doing much of anything apart from reading. And playing the Avengers game on FB. And eating a lot of unhealthy food. And sleeping.

This is not good for me.

I cannot even remember the last time I put on make-up, a nice dress and wore heels for a night out. Just trudging along tiredly everyday in my worn out flats, thick glasses, ragged clothes, hair with outgrown roots mocking the hair colour I painstakingly try to achieve with many long sessions in the salon. Even my nails looks crappy.

Such a vision of wondrous beauty, aren't I?

This will not do. Something needs to be done.

Okay, after this long weekend. Something will be done. No more lazy.

But I Hope I Don't Go Crazy From Extended Periods Of No Human Contact Here At The End Of The World

I have officially shifted and settled in my new seat. I think I am liking my new space. Although I am literally next to big boss, separated by just one side of my cubicle, I feel that there is more privacy and quiet now, because I am right at the end and in a corner.

Although I am quite chatty and enjoy yabbering with my colleagues when we were sitting together, I definitely need peace and silence when I need to work on something, or I will end up listening to the noise and getting distracted. And while I can work when listening to music, it must be able to block out any external noises, so the louder the better.

For this reason, I am the most productive at the end of the day, after everyone has left the office. Optimally there should be enough silence to hear the sound of the air-con. There is just something soothing and calming about that light churning sound that helps me to concentrate.

Is this weird or typical?

Frustrations

I do not like living at the whims of others. I find this whole life-is-only-easy-if-powerful-people-are-happy business really shitty and unbearable. Especially when people abuses whatever authority they have just to make people feel bad about themselves. Never in my life have I ever attempted to abuse any form of advantage I might have to make other people feel like they are good for nothing. And I have always tried my best to conduct myself with reason and integrity. Although no one can claim to be a saint, I don't think I am a evil or vicious person at all.

And this world is definitely confusing me. I am not entirely sure how long I can go on pretending that I understand what the fuck is going on, without going totally crazy. When I try to be honest and speak my mind, people are always telling me not to be so direct and not to go against the flow too much, but when I keep my peace or try not to react to negativity, they ask me why I am not more angry at the situation or why I am keeping quiet and not fighting back.

What should I do? Seriously? So tell me, how in the world am I supposed to behave? I don't know. And I hate not knowing.

It is a goddamn bloody struggle. And I am not sure I can win.

There is only so much a human can take.

I Really Don't

Feeling bothered about certain ideas shoved down our throats for the consideration of others' own indulgence and convenience.

Seriously this is no different from having something you treasure robbed from you, just because someone else fancies it. Although I am not exactly the best advocate for change, I am not against making improvements if there is a need to, if for the greater good.

But I really don't see any good. At all.

The weak gets consumed and the greedy just becomes stronger.

Where is the fairness? Why is no one fighting back? Why am I not fighting?

I don't know.

Quote Of The Day #3

"Do not take all the world's burdens and tragedies onto your shoulders... Simply because someone brings up your name in regards to an event, doesn't make what follows your fault." - "A Lady's Guide To Improper Behaviour" - Suzanne Enoch

One of the best advise I have heard in a while.

Liking this novel loads. Tolly's pain draws and moves me in a way that I can't explain even though I cannot even begin to understand the pain of someone who has gone through what he did.

你... 幸福吗？